Short jokes
"what's that on your wrist?"
"I'm a cutting board. duh"
Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.
How dairy!
My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
What is burned dark and glued to the wall?
A bad electrician.
The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.
If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?
The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
When a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?
He wanted to keep his nuts dry.
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.
Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.
What do you call a retard with a boner? A slowpoke.
Why were the Twin Towers scared at dinner?
Because their mom said, "Here comes the airplane!"
One Erection would be a very nice name for a gay band.
Even a psychopath is sympathetic when an onion self-harms!
The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we've all kicked a pregnant woman before we were even born.
What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?
The thot that counts.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.