Short jokes
The teacher is asking you a question.
Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"
Me: "Dead."
What do ambulances and gay men have in common? They both take it in the back and go whoop whoop! :D
You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
If you're gonna razor yourself, you might as well have shaving cream.
Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,
HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
Want to watch Titanic?
No, I'm not on board for it.
What is 6 inches long and makes women scream? Stillbirth...
Why hasn't my dad come back? No seriously, I'm not joking.
Who goes to a comedian show and gets offended?
A feminist.
What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?
Hearing AIDS.
What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.
This isn't a joke, but I'm a survivor and use humor to cope. I find these extremely funny, so please leave the people writing these alone 😭
A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so I put her in the oven.
Boy and girl playing hide and seek... girl: "I found you." Boy: "What gave me away?" Girl: "Ur parents obviously."
The number 13? Not on my watch!
There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.