Short jokes
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.
My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die.
A lion, Johnny Depp, and a hockey player from Nashville all have one thing in common.
They're all Predators!
What's in a Michael Jackson hotdog?
A 50-year-old piece of meat.
A 12-year-old bun.
You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.
Roses are red, violets are black, I traded my son for 10 Big Macs.
The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.
The teacher is asking you a question.
Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"
Me: "Dead."
Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.
What do ambulances and gay men have in common? They both take it in the back and go whoop whoop! :D
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
No matter how much I love cake...
I would never dessert you.
Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,
HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
Want to watch Titanic?
No, I'm not on board for it.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can. Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.
What is 6 inches long and makes women scream? Stillbirth...