Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your mom.
Your mom who?
O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!
Short Jokes
Why are women like diapers?
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
Don't trust stairs... They are always up to something.
Why did Stephen Hawking make it to heaven?
He couldn't make it up the stairs.
Have you ever heard Stephen Hawking sing?
"Head, shoulders, wheels and frames, wheels and frames!"
What do you call it when tectonic plates start racing?
Continental Drift.
So I stayed at my friend's house for a few days, and I was like, "OMG, why?" So, I am going home because I’m going to my best friend's house.
If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?
I was really rooting to tell that one.
Did you know all Canadians have the same blood type?
They all have blood "eh."
Do you want to hear a paper joke?
Never mind, it is tearable.
My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up, they would fall over!
PP in the poo poo.
So I was walking in a store, and a carrot and a lettuce said, "Lettuce leaf!" to me.
A guy cut me in the lunch line. After that, a rock was thrown at him by my friend.
Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
A kid asks for an ice cream. The man says, "Any sauce?" and the kid says, "Na, I got ketchup at home."
What do you call a ride that drops 180 degrees?
Cold as hell.
Why don't some people like pennies?
Because it's common cents.
