Short jokes

Who's never the last man standing?

Stephen Hawking.

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

The early bird might get the worm...

But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?

There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!

What if some kid was like, "I'm going to shoot up the school!", and then someone just pulls up with a reverse card?

Stephen Hawking has enough money to stand up, but can’t grab the money.

I was arrested for eating too much crack on accident. How?

My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face.

If Stephen Hawking got into a fight, he could not stand up for himself.

What do you get when you stuff some cows into a food container?

A can o' bull.

Someone tracked down a cripple and said, "You can hide, but you can't run!"

What did Jim say to Jeff?

"I killed your ham."

What did the rape victim give to her rapist?

Head.

Why was going through JFK's head when he was getting assassinated? A bullet.

How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?

Your dog's gone.

Your finances are done.

And your floaties.

What did the kid say to the toilet?

"Did you order a number two because I got one ready for you?"

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

What do you call the Christian version of Donald Trump? Holy shit!

Why was it wrong to throw my Chinese friend down the stairs?

Why do Catholic priests suck on the cock of a young boy in his parish?

Because it tastes like a Vienna sausage.

What did one nut say to the other nut?

A: "Candice deez nuts fit in my mouth."