Short jokes
How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper!
Dad: Uh...
*hides his rifle*
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
Things you say before sex, Disney addition:
"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"
Q: What do you call a cow stuck on a barb wire fence?
A: Udderly destroyed.
Why did Dairy Queen and Burger King get arrested for copyright infringement? Because they gave birth to Five Guys.
Mirrors can’t talk; it’s sad that they can’t laugh at you!
Why didn't Trump help someone who can't walk?
He thinks she should stand up for herself.
My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"
What's something an orphan likes but doesn't have?
A family.
Why are Nazis so good at soccer?
Because they're so good at shooting.
You're so fat that I run around you for exercise.
What do you call an annoyed octopus?
Octopissy.
What do you call a legless table? Nothing.
Me. I am the joke.
How do you know if a snowman is a girl or a boy?
A: Snowballs.
I went into the supermarket; everything was half off. Of course, I took the bottom half of Spider-Man.
So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.
"Balls in Jack, Jack has balls in his mouth."
What do you call California when it’s having a wildfire? Completely normal.