Short jokes
I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?
Stephen Hawking died due to the BIOS update. He shut down because the power cable got chewed.
How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper!
Dad: Uh...
*hides his rifle*
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
Things you say before sex, Disney addition:
"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"
Q: What do you call a cow stuck on a barb wire fence?
A: Udderly destroyed.
Why do orphans hate cricket?
Because they can't get a "homerun."
Teacher: How many kids are in this classroom?
Kid: 73 if you count the ones you have hid in the basement.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"What are you shaking for? She’s going to eat me!"
I ought to complain to Spotify for you not being named this week’s hottest single.
Balloon 1: Watch out for cactus!
Balloon 2: Where is cactussssssss?
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends' noses.
Does it cycle now? 🚲
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
Keep smearing that make-up around your face, maybe you'll get somewhere with it.
If your sis makes you mad, so go to your friend's home to play.
If your sis is sad, go tell Mom.
A guy walks into a bar, he's like, "What's your number, lad?" and the woman is like, "298-777-fatso.com" and he walked home depressed.
Why was the stadium so cold?
Because of all its fans!
Why was sis afraid of seven?
Cuz 7 ate 9.
Why should old women never eat seafood?
'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.