Short jokes
How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.
Then the antidote becomes the most important.
A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"
I answered, "6 feet underground."
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Why can't homeless people be gay?
They don't have a closet to get out of.
I used to get pushed and called lazy in school.
Man, I loved that wheelchair.
These ain't jokes. These are just sad truths.
Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?
They both had an open mind.
An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.
What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?
When you have a gun in your hand.
Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
It sucks that Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.
If a man says you’re ugly, he likes you.
If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s just jealous.
If a child says you’re ugly, well, you’re ugly.
Closer kin, deeper in!
What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
Snow balls.
What's a Mexican's least favorite lesson in art? Drawing border lines.