Short jokes
"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."
"What was your first impression on him?"
"I told him, she calls me daddy too."
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.
Why do feminists believe that they can act like a bitch towards men if they want to? Because they were born without a penis.
I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.
I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...
Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?
Because he was about to kick the cabinet.
What is the difference between a sloth and a depressed kid? A sloth doesn't need a rope to hang.
You wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "A refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it."
Why can’t Jesus be born in West Virginia?
Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.
Why don't orphans like to get lost?
Because somebody's going to ask where their parents are.
What do you call a dad in the mirror?
(Your imagination.)
To the guy who stole my depression medication,
I hope you're happy.
Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.
Gravity sure is fast.
What do you call it when a friend calms his suicidal friend? "Hang in there, buddy."
You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"
A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."
What do SpongeBob and Asians have in common?
They're both yellow and can't drive.
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."
Your forehead is so big it gets home before you do.