Short jokes
You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?
They are a total rip off.
What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.
My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...
...I told him to lighten up.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
Neither has he.
What does Michael Jackson like about 28 year olds? There's 20 of them!
Broccoli is like anal sex.
If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."
"What was your first impression on him?"
"I told him, she calls me daddy too."
What is a cannibal's favorite restaurant?
Five Guys.
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.
Why do feminists believe that they can act like a bitch towards men if they want to? Because they were born without a penis.
What's a Mexican's favorite video game?
Borderlands.
You wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "A refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it."
Why don't orphans like to get lost?
Because somebody's going to ask where their parents are.
Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.
I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.
As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."
Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?
Because he was about to kick the cabinet.
I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.
To the guy who stole my depression medication,
I hope you're happy.
Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
What do you call a dad in the mirror?
(Your imagination.)