Short jokes
My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...
...I told him to lighten up.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?
Neither has he.
What does Michael Jackson like about 28 year olds? There's 20 of them!
Broccoli is like anal sex.
If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."
"What was your first impression on him?"
"I told him, she calls me daddy too."
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.
Why do feminists believe that they can act like a bitch towards men if they want to? Because they were born without a penis.
What's a Mexican's favorite video game?
Borderlands.
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."
A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."
You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"
What do SpongeBob and Asians have in common?
They're both yellow and can't drive.
I can hear thunder outside, which I find weird since the lightning is on my arm...
What is the difference between a sloth and a depressed kid? A sloth doesn't need a rope to hang.
You wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "A refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it."
Why don't orphans like to get lost?
Because somebody's going to ask where their parents are.
To the guy who stole my depression medication,
I hope you're happy.
I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.
Why did the Secret Service detain Johnny Depp at the White House?
Because he was about to kick the cabinet.
What do you call a dad in the mirror?
(Your imagination.)