Short jokes
I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.
If you watch Jaws backwards, it's a heartwarming story about a shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Me: Want to play 911?
My little brother: What's that?
Me: It's where I kick your legs and you fall.
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
One thing that Johnny Depp and Michael Jackson love to do? Sniff on little white crack.
What's an emo's least favorite show?
Dr. Phil.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died?
To be honest, she was on the whole dashboard too.
The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.
I saw a fat girl with a 'Guess' t-shirt, so I said, "286lb."
What’s the similarity between peas from Tesco and emos?
They both have barcodes.
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win.
No pun in ten did.
Halloween! The day nobody questions the bodies dangling in your tree!
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?
Deer balls. They're under a buck.
How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.