Short jokes
What do you call a Mexican with one leg?
Border hopper.
What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?
"Will there be seconds?"
What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?
I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”
I was excited to hear Apple might start selling its own cars until I learned they wouldn’t support Windows.
Why did the Invisible Man turn down a job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
Being the first to move in chess.
It’s a white privilege.
What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid?
Reality.
What song do supportive parents of a closeted child love?
“The Son Will Come Out Tomorrow.”
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they can’t get a home run.
Why can’t orphans have phones?
Because it has a home button!
Why can’t Americans play chess?
They lost 2 towers.