Short jokes
Why can’t orphans have phones?
Because it has a home button!
Why can’t Americans play chess?
They lost 2 towers.
What’s the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.
It was women driving the planes for 9/11.
Why do people who get shot in the head always become therapists?
They are more open-minded.
NASA called me and they said they reached your hairline.
I wish death was in the form of a woman.
That way, it would never come for me.
Why are gay dudes so rude?
Because they're fucking assholes.
TV: Water found on Mars...
Mars: 1
Africa: 0
If you think I would joke about Alzheimer's, forget it.
What's the difference between a hipster and a hockey player? A hockey player changes his pads every third period.
I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back until I realized it is a family business.
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
Why do women love Chinese food? Because WON TON spelled backward is NOT NOW!
What do you call two natives in a ditch?
A sleepover.
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One to trust and the other to thrust.
What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
You shout out, "B-52!"
My lesbian friends bought me a gold timepiece for my birthday.
But, I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch!"
What do you call a terrorist attack in Iraq? A selfie!
A: What did the lawyer say to the amputee?
Q: You haven't got a leg to stand on.