What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
A hamburger walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry. We don't serve food here."
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.
What's the difference between a surgeon and God?
God knows he's not a surgeon.
Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?
Because there were too many knights.
For sale: Dead canary.
Not going cheep.
Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?
It's called "One More Thyme."
What is the hardest part of twerking?
Being black.
Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?
They say he had locomotives.
How much does a hipster weigh?
About an Instagram.
How do skeletons have sex?
They bone each other.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
Why did they call off the leper hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that know binary and those that don't.
What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's finger.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What do Jamaicans say when they touch a cactus?
Pokemon!
