Short jokes
Why are colds such bad robbers?
Because they're so easy to catch.
Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall? -- They'll get over it.
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? -- He doesn't stand for anything.
What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?
"To be and not to be."
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.
What do Japanese men do when they vote?
They have an erection.
How does NASA organize a party? -- They planet.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? -- The tea bag stays longer in a cup.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.
What is the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You stop milking a cow after 15 years.
What do you call a walkie-talkie for retards? -- A stumblie-mumblie.
If a midget with down syndrome shows up late for work, is it okay to say she's a little tardy?
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?
Bananana!
Why did Beethoven have trouble finding a music teacher? Because his teacher was Haydn.