Sex jokes

I eat ass.

What does a dead baby look like?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh, Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents' room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just uh, making cake,” and they send him away.

So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother’s room, so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We're making cake!”

So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How'd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.

God sent gays to fix overpopulation. Until they ended same-sex marriage.

What's thick, 12 inches, and in your mum's throat?

My penis.

Say this to someone who is fat that you don't like (make sure he's a virgin):

"You're so fat you can sell shaaade!! That's why you're a virgin and you masturbaaate!!! Yeah, I've see you, touching your 1 centimetre and if you have a gf she's is a cheater!!"

Make sure to say "shaaade" not "shade". And say "maturbaaate" (also try to say a D not a T in maturbaaate) not "masturbate".

Miss Stephen likes sex like she likes kids.

On a desk in pure isolation.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck 'em.

An ugly, poor teenage girl found a genie lamp in her backyard. The genie said, "I will grant you 3 wishes, but under 1 condition."

"What is it?" she asked.

"After I grant your final wish, you have to have sex with me," the genie replied.

"Okay, for my 1st wish, I wish to be the prettiest girl at my school," the genie snapped his fingers and made her pretty.

"For my 2nd wish, I wish for my family to be rich," the genie snapped his fingers and told her her family is now the richest in town.

"And your final wish?" the genie asked.

"I wish I had a sabertoothed vagina."

What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

By the time you're done with the breasts and the thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Boy: Wanna hear about my dick? Never mind, it's too short.

Girl: Wanna hear about my pussy? Fuck no, you won't get it.

I was eating this girl out the other night, and I tasted horse semen, so I said to her, "Oh, that's how you died, grandma!"

My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.

A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.

The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.

How fast is the speed of sex?

68 because at 69 you've got to turn around.

I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.

How does the earth rate its sex?

Earthquake, Cataclysm, Volcano explosion, Earth's core explodes.

If the earth's core explodes, then he got tore up!

That autistic kid having sex for the first time:

"U The Hips, U The Hips!"

You should always wash your sex toys. That's why priests baptize babies.