Sex jokes
So a woman walks into a magician's toy store and browses the collection. Among which was a black, phallic-looking object. She brings it to the counter and asks, "what's this?"
The cashier explains that it's a magical dildo that will listen to whatever you say, "fuck me in the ass," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the ass, "fuck me in the pussy," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the pussy, "faster," it'll go faster, "harder," it'll go harder. She bought this magical artifact and went home for a night of fun and pleasure.
After receiving several orgasms from the magical dildo, she'd had enough, and she told it to stop, but it didn't. The dildo continued to penetrate her, it would go harder and faster, but it refused to stop or slow down. In a panic, she ran over to her car and drove to the hospital to get it surgically removed. Her panic made her disregard the traffic rules, and she quickly found herself pulled over by a cop. As she pulled down her window, the cop leaned towards the door and asked "Do you have any idea how fast you were going!?", the woman tried to explain the situation, she told the officer about the magical dildo stuck in her pussy, but the officer didn't believe her, "magical dildo, my ass" he said, and the lady drove home.
What do you call sex with a hoover?
Clean sex.
My wife is so fat. After sex, I rolled over twice. I was still on top of the bitch!
"Yol, what do you think about sex?"
"Good."
Six shila.
Memes
I was eating this girl out the other day and I tasted horse semen... I looked up at the girl and said “that’s how you died, grandma!”
More like so they can fuck him, am I right?
Jack and Jill went up my ass to eat a big dildo, but Jack died cause he got hit by a brown thing.
What's the sound that dwarfs make when they have sex?
Broken plates.
Lady: Will you fuck me?
Man: No, I don’t have a penis.
Lady pulls down man's pants and looks in them. "Yes, you do!" she says.
Man: Oh, I forgot it was there.
Why did the man cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in the chicken!
What’s the difference between a penis and a golf ball?
A penis always goes in the hole.
My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your stepfather."
Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.
In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."
Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...
It's impossible to rape a rapeist because rapeists want sex.
What is the difference when I have my dick in your mouth or when you have yours in mine?
Oh, I forgot, you don't got one, bitches, suck my dick.
YOUR MOM sucks my dick 24/7.
When fat people smash, it must feel like a huge submarine hitting you.
Do you think you can solve a riddle about my penis because I don't think you can...
It's too hard.
You smash me so hard, I gave her the D.