Sex jokes

Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

Well, you gotta hand it to her.

One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!

What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."

Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?

Donald Trump can only F@#k up.

Lost my virginity to a down syndrome the other day... only cause I wanted my first time to be special.

What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?

Rrrrrapeit!

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."

If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage cos or tan?

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using the computer?

There is sperm on the computer screen.

A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.

At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."

Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?

A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.

Kenny can't find a girlfriend because neither of his sisters can fuck as good as his mom could.

What STD can you get from phone sex?

Hearing AIDS.

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close his casket.

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

What’s another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher.

A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.

A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to jump!"

The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"

The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."

The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.