Sex jokes

Life is like giving head... it always sucks.

Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.

Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?

Boyfriend: My mom taught me.

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.

What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.

What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.

"Dad, what is 69?" asks son.

Dad: "Well son, it is a position where a man and women pleasure each other orally."

Son: "So what shall I write? Odd or even?"

Kenney lost his virginity to a $10 hooker, but he only had to pay $5. She was his sister, so he got the family discount.

Why don't lesbians have sex in the morning?

Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?

Why don't feminists like to eat hotdogs? Because they remind them of men's dicks.

Boner.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm stroking my dick and thinking of you.

What is the definition of African-American Vienna sausages?

cocks of African-American men

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That's only the 2nd thing he was a top in.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a good year, and one's a great year.

What’s the speed limit in bed?

It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.

If having sex for money makes you a wh*re, then what does having sex for free make you?

Non-profit wh*reganisation.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.