Sex jokes

When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.

If it's on the clock, it's old enough for the cock.

How do you know when you should tell a heterosexual woman to stop sucking your dick?

When there is blood coming out of your dick instead of sperm.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.

Life is like giving head... it always sucks.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you are in prison.

What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?

nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.

Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.

Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?

Boyfriend: My mom taught me.

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.

What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.

What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.

Boner.

"Dad, what is 69?" asks son.

Dad: "Well son, it is a position where a man and women pleasure each other orally."

Son: "So what shall I write? Odd or even?"

Kenney lost his virginity to a $10 hooker, but he only had to pay $5. She was his sister, so he got the family discount.

Why don't lesbians have sex in the morning?

Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?

Why don't feminists like to eat hotdogs? Because they remind them of men's dicks.

What is the definition of African-American Vienna sausages?

cocks of African-American men

Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm stroking my dick and thinking of you.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That's only the 2nd thing he was a top in.