Sex jokes

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.

A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"

"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.

"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

Would you rather eat a girl out who has: herpes, COVID, and AIDS while she is on her period?

Or eat live worms, bats, and mice?

If I like having sex and get with 15 people, are they getting sexified?

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.

I have a penis, and sometimes I bite it.

What's the difference between me and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

What’s the difference between a nun and a hooker?

One kneels for salvation.

The other kneels with salivation.

You know why women wear tampons?

So the crabs could bungee jump!

Have you ever tried sex when camping?

It's f***ing intense.

My girlfriend asked me whether I was having sex behind her back, and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

What was the doctor's diagnosis on a dinosaur with a low sex drive? Teraerectile dysfunction.

Dating 101:

Here's what you do:

1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.

Life is a lot like a penis. It's relaxed, and just hanging there.

It's women that make it hard.

Charizarding.

When you light a girl's pubes on fire, put it out with your jizz, then flap your arms and say, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"

What do lovely men and tampons have in common?

Both lick up the juices of the women they were made for.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

Where do babies get baptized?

So the priest can wash their sex toys.

There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.