Sex jokes
Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
Well, you gotta hand it to her.
I once masturbated in the bathroom.
I was looking for something, for a little help.
Looked in the wardrobe and found something perfect.
I'LL NEVER SEE A TOOTHBRUSH THE SAME WAY AGAIN!
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex. His parents look at him in fear. Little Timmy asks, "Mom, Dad, what are you doing?"
The mom replies with, "We are playing house. We'll let you play when you're older," the dad says. So the next day Timmy goes over to play with his friend Johnny, who was, ironically, Timmy's neighbor. Johnny asks, "How was your sleep last night?" "I saw my mom and dad playing house last night," Timmy says. "But they told me I could play with them when I'm older."
After a little bit of playing with Johnny, Timmy went home and saw his Dad playing house with his babysitter. "Dad, what are you doing?" Timmy asks. "I'm playing house with your babysitter," Timmy's Dad said. "But I saw you play house with Mom last night," Timmy told his father. "Well, don't tell your mother," his dad said.
Why does it take longer for women to orgasm than men?
Who cares?
What does having sex with a woman and cooking an egg in a skillet have in common?
Both end with a loud annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean the shit up.
What did the man say to his wife, wanna play?
What do you call a guy who has sex on the Moon?
An “Astronut”!
I'm not going bungee jumping. I was born by broken rubber, and that's not how I'm going out.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!
That’s the best I’ve done so far.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
What's 72?
69 with 3 people watching.
There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.
SEX
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.
Why do a woman like to have sex with the lights off?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
What do lesbian vampires say after sex?
"See you next month."
A man ate a bee to mechanical sexting, but he was to be, uh, sex. Bee vagina penis, he want sex but [is] dumb.
What’s the best part about fucking a dead bitch?
You don’t need consent.