So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
Q. Why did the orphan rob a bank?
A. To feel wanted for the first fucking time.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
Hi, I am just wondering who went into my account, 'cause I've changed my password, by the way.
What is the email password of a black person?
"watermelon"
After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...
...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:
370HSSV 0773H
All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.
One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:
"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."
How did the burglar get into my house?
Intruder window.
Today, I was at the Apple Store when I saw that a lot of phones were broken. When I looked around, I saw none other than Pristiano Penaldo smashing all the phones. He said he was mad because he ghosted vs a relegation team. Shame on you, Penaldo!
What does a lawyer defending a killer and a password have in common? They're case sensitive.
Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.
The guard caught one of the fugitives as he tried to escape. All he said was...
"Don't let your guard down."
Why did the chicken crack the safe?
To get to her nest egg.
I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.
Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?
Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because North Korea's long-range missiles can't reach that far.
TV: SCHOOL SHOOTING 13 DIED.
Father: Guns cause all these problems!
Kid playing FNAF security breach *bang* *Bang*
Kid: WOLF PU&EY WOLF PU^$Y WOLF PU*#Y
What do you call a dog that tells the time?
A watchdog.
How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.
Bomb.
