Security jokes
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."
What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?
1. It stands for inflation.
2. It limits production.
3. It encourages cooperation.
4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN'T BE OLD PASSWORD.
Sets fire to computer.
Suicide gives you security for the future.
Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.
Why did the rapper become a locksmith?
Because he always had the KEYS!
I saw two blind men fighting at the mall. I yelled, "He has a gun!" They both ran.
What did Pepper say to Spray?
"Hey Spray, I'm Pepper, and I think we should fight crime!"
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.
After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."
So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.
Why do hackers in Africa have hard times dealing with firewalls?
They don't have water.
How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four—one to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
Did you try the digital egg padlock? Because it is very easy to crack the code.
TV: SCHOOL SHOOTING 13 DIED.
Father: Guns cause all these problems!
Kid playing FNAF security breach *bang* *Bang*
Kid: WOLF PU&EY WOLF PU^$Y WOLF PU*#Y
Does anyone know what's going on with all the creeps that joined and restart your school laptop to get everything unblocked?
The school shooter when the cops show up be like:
"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."
How did the burglar get into my house?
Intruder window.
What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."