Said jokes

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

Yo mama's so stupid, when I said, "Drinks on the house," she got a ladder.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”

The plane said to the tower, "You're so cute, I want to come crashing into your arms!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."

A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

"Never going to give you up." That's not what the orphan's parents said.

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

I said to the fish, "I have dam."

My friend asks me what does "idk" mean. I said, "I dion't know." My friend says, "You mean I don't know." I said, "That's what I said!"

I saw a little girl crying, and I said, "Where are your parents?" That day, I got fired from the orphanage. 🤪

Good that you got detention because you said that to me; you should've gone to jail.

There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."

Erin like TJ, but his tapeline said no.

"What's the capital of Texas?" said the brown hair.

"T," said the blonde.

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."