Said jokes

When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."

Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.

When my mom said you have to listen to classical music at my new school, I had to listen to it twenty-four seven. After that, I sang the song [with] the wrong melody for my music teacher 😎

A bear walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a cola and a...whisky?" The bartender says, "What's with the big paws?"

I saw a little boy begging for money.

I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents!"

My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"

An orphan went on a game show.

The host looked at him and said, "You can't play, this is Family Feud."

My uncle sayEd to me once, "You're my favorite child." And I said, "You mean Nece?" He said, "No, my favorite child."

A police officer pulls a man over. "Hands in the air!"

The man said, "Okay."

I told her "I love you." She said, "I love me too."

We asked our teacher many times for an atlas, and he said, "At last, you can have one!"

"I can't wait for Thanksgiving!" said the turkey.

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now!

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."