Said jokes

An orphan went on a game show.

The host looked at him and said, "You can't play, this is Family Feud."

When Knife tells Annoying Orange, "I'm trying something new," Annoying Orange said, "Oh no, are you having a midknife crisis?" and then Annoying Orange laughs.

One volcano said, "Is that you, Qs? I am hot."

My uncle sayEd to me once, "You're my favorite child." And I said, "You mean Nece?" He said, "No, my favorite child."

I told her "I love you." She said, "I love me too."

We asked our teacher many times for an atlas, and he said, "At last, you can have one!"

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now!

What did a man say to his boy?

You are my son.

When your girlfriend says it is too small, you say, "Just enjoy the small thing."

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Yo mama so fat that when she landed on the moon, instead of saying "One small step for man kind," she said, "One small step for world domination!"

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "She was a little tardy."

I asked her, "I thought they all were."

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

I went to a book store yesterday and I saw a book that said "how to solve 50% of your problems." So I bought 2.

"I can't wait for Thanksgiving!" said the turkey.