Safety jokes
Roses are red.
I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!
Everyone, just as a warning, stay AWAY from Akeld!
Hey guys, I have a question.
Doesn't everyone's parents tell them don't take candy from strangers? Then what is Halloween?
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
"Hey, tie your shoes! I don’t want you falling for anyone else."
I was looking forward to some toast...
So I took the toaster in the bath with me.
When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
When the school shooter finds you under the table,
"Wonderful weather we're having!"
My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.
Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.
When the school shooter is just about to leave your classroom, and you think you're in the clear, but the Down syndrome kid says, "Goodbye."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.
Nothing much, I just decided to go home.
If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day.
Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.
There is one good part about paedophiles... they go slow in school zones.
I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.