Dad: Where is my son?
Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.
Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?
Son: YES!
Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Who robs and breaks into people's houses?
Which room is the safest place in the house?
The living room.
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
Billy moved in with 69 pedophiles when he was 8. Many "tears" came across his cheeks.
Whats yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
my blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike he should have been paying attention
"Zre, um, be careful when using a gun, okay? And meh not fat, boy."
Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?
"kys" (keep yourself safe).
Why was the American kid late to school?
Because he was too busy putting on his bulletproof vest.
So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!
Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?
He was told to high-jack it.
Why are school shootings branded “very American”?
1. They usually happen in the usa 2. They’re like the forth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming
How do you clean ash of a stove with chemicals
I have fun goin on dem roller coasters that go really high up and sittin by random people and once we get to the high point I look at the stranger and go wham and unplug they seat bealt
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
One day, Billy cow wandered off to the railroad tracks where his mother always told him not to go. His mother asked him where he had gone when he got home. He replied that he was just going for a graze. His neighbor later told his mother he had saw him at the railroad tracks. What would you call Billy cow now?
Ground Beef.
Why did the parachute refuse to open?
Because it had a "fatal attraction" to the ground.
