Safety jokes
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.
All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”
There are 4 people on a plane while it's crashing and there are only 3 parachutes. There's Opera, Obama, a little girl, and Trump. Opera grabs a parachute and says, "I'm famous, I get one!" And Trump grabs one and says, "Well, I'm president, of course I get one!" Obama looks at the little girl and says, "Since you're the future of our generation, take the last one." The little girl hugs Obama and says, "Actually, we can both have one. Trump took my backpack!"
Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.
Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"
Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."
Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."
*Operator hears a distant gunshot*
Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"
The only profession where one could have coronavirus and still go to work is a suicide terrorist.
What was going through the student's heads during a school shooting?
Bullets.
What's worse than 10 babies in a truck?
One baby in 10 trucks.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
What could've the Towers done to not start 9/11?
Call 911.
Sonic says... April 1st is the best day to do a school shooting. They will think it’s a joke! 😃
Why did the old man fall down a well?
He couldn't see that well.
If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”
I saw a sign that said, "Falling Rocks." I tried it, and it doesn't.
My friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over?
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
I'm not going bungee jumping. I was born by broken rubber, and that's not how I'm going out.
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
Why did the orphan not call 911 when he saw a tower catch fire?
'Cause he did not want any kids to go through the same pain.
Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.