Safety jokes
Why did the child cross the road?
Because he didn’t wear a seatbelt.
Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?
Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.
Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It wasn't in its car seat.
Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.
Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
Why did so many people die in the Grenfell Fire Disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
Why can't you run with a pencil in the hallway? Because too many people got killed!
"Why don't skeletons go skydiving?"
"Because they don't have the guts... or the parachute!"
What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.
I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
Roses are red,
my life is a disaster,
the children are fast,
but the combine is F A S T E R!
It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.
The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!
What is big, yellow, and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
I gave a blind person a gun and said it was a hair dryer.
What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.
Students: Hiding under desk.
Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!