Safety Jokes

I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?

What has four legs and one arm?

A Rottweiler in a children’s playground.

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

Are you a toaster?

'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.

Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Where is the cheapest gun range? Your local public school.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

What do Michael Jackson and Tesco carrier bags have in common? They’re both made out of plastic and harmful to children.

Do you know why pedos get away with molesting orphans? Who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.

What do you call a feminist with a rape whistle? Delusional and optimistic.

Things you never want to do in jail:

- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

The S in America stands for safe.

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.