What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.
Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Are you a toaster?
'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.
Where is the cheapest gun range? Your local public school.
I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.
So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.
Do you know why pedos get away with molesting orphans? Who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.
What do you call a feminist with a rape whistle? Delusional and optimistic.
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.
What is the similarity of a bomb and a baby?
When you drop them both, everyone screams.
What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
The S in America stands for safe.
What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?
I can't jump off a burrito.
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
