Safety jokes
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.
I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.
Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.
It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.
Why can't orphans play at a McDonald's play place? They don't have parent supervision.
Where is the cheapest gun range? Your local public school.
I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.
I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
What is the similarity of a bomb and a baby?
When you drop them both, everyone screams.
What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Are you a toaster?
'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.
Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.
Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.
Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.
What do Michael Jackson and Tesco carrier bags have in common? They’re both made out of plastic and harmful to children.
90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist.
Do you know why pedos get away with molesting orphans? Who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.