Safety jokes
Someone threatened to break into my house, but I am in a wheelchair. I said sure, and I moved everything upstairs and sat on the stairs so he couldn’t steal anything.
Why can't weapons play baseball?
Because they need to get to home base.
Why drink water and not bleach?
Your mama is so fat, when she farted, the world had to wear gas masks.
What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.
What is one good thing about pedophiles?
They drive slow in the school zone.
How did the man with a small penis become a rapist? His condom fell off.
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.
One day, Billy cow wandered off to the railroad tracks where his mother always told him not to go. His mother asked him where he had gone when he got home. He replied that he was just going for a graze. His neighbor later told his mother he had saw him at the railroad tracks. What would you call Billy cow now?
Ground Beef.
"Water exists."
Airport security: "What the fuck did you just say?"
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
"Why don't skeletons go skydiving?"
"Because they don't have the guts... or the parachute!"
What animal has 5 legs?
A pitbull on a children's playground.
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.
The only profession where one could have coronavirus and still go to work is a suicide terrorist.
When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.
I saw a sign that said, "Falling Rocks." I tried it, and it doesn't.
Q. What's the difference between a Kevlar vest and a CEO?
A. The CEO isn't bulletproof.