Safety jokes
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
Why do people not adhere to the corona measures?
Because they hate their lives and want to die.
I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.
I'm in school shooting. #USA
Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.
What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?
The tornado siren doesn't get raped.
What’s yellow and can’t swim??
A school bus with elementary kids.
When the school shooter finds you under the table,
"Wonderful weather we're having!"
How do you tell if a blond is really stupid?
Put a scratch and sniff on a bleach pod.
You were born on the highway. That's where most accidents happen.
What’s yellow and can’t swim? A school bus.
I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."
What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?
Time to get outside!
True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.
(Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)
We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.
How do you kill a retard?
Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"
Somebody shouts "Fire!"
Man 1: Get the children out!
Man 2: F*** the children!
Man 3: We don't have time!
A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.
The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."
Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.
The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,
"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."
At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"
Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.
The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.