Safety jokes
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.
"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.
Were you born on a highway? Because most accidents happen on the highway.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?
Optimistic.
What are the best shooting ranges in America?
Schools.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.
So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!
People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2
-Harpoon it.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
I usually don’t make school shooting jokes.
Because they’re aimed at a younger audience.
When you go over a speed bump, but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone.
I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.
Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.