Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
People always told me to open doors for elders. So I opened the plane door 5,000 feet up in the air for a grandma.
I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
Why does OSHA require women to wear panties?
Because every manhole needs a cover.
How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2
-Harpoon it.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
I usually don’t make school shooting jokes.
Because they’re aimed at a younger audience.
When you go over a speed bump, but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone.
I'm shocked, my new toaster isn't waterproof.
I only kidnapped orphans because they have no parents to report them missing.
A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.
"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."
What's better than seeing a baby swing around on a clothesline at 60km/h? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.
I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.
Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.
It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.
Why can't orphans play at a McDonald's play place? They don't have parent supervision.
I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.
