What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.
Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.
The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."
The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.
What do Michael Jackson and Tesco carrier bags have in common? They’re both made out of plastic and harmful to children.
Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.
90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.
When is a rapist safe around children?
When his plans are oven ready.
