What is the similarity of a bomb and a baby?
When you drop them both, everyone screams.
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.
Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.
The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."
The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"
Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.
90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist.
Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.
When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?
I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
When is a rapist safe around children?
When his plans are oven ready.
