Safety jokes

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

The S in America stands for safe.

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

What is the similarity of a bomb and a baby?

When you drop them both, everyone screams.

What is the day parents stopped fearing for their little boys? June 25, dead pedo day.

What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.

Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D

What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?

Dam fools.

Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.

The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."

The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"

Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.

90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist.

Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.

When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.