Safety jokes
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.
What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?
I can't jump off a burrito.
Yaaaass
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
The S in America stands for safe.
Roses are red, fishers are fishing,
I really hope you’ll be reported missing.
What is the day parents stopped fearing for their little boys? June 25, dead pedo day.
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.
How do you make a blow job OSHA compliant? You add a railing!
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D
You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.
The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."
The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"