Safety jokes

What do you call a feminist with a rape whistle? Delusional and optimistic.

Things you never want to do in jail:

- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.

What is the day parents stopped fearing for their little boys? June 25, dead pedo day.

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.

The S in America stands for safe.

Roses are red, fishers are fishing,

I really hope you’ll be reported missing.

What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?

They both broke and everybody cried.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?

Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D

What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?

Dam fools.

You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.