Safety jokes

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

What is the day parents stopped fearing for their little boys? June 25, dead pedo day.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?

They both broke and everybody cried.

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.

The S in America stands for safe.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

Roses are red, fishers are fishing,

I really hope you’ll be reported missing.

How do you make a blow job OSHA compliant? You add a railing!

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.

Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?

Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?

Dam fools.

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.