Safety jokes

What do you do when a woman is choking?

Back up a couple inches.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

What's the difference between a bridge and a burrito?

I can't jump off a burrito.

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

The S in America stands for safe.

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

Roses are red, fishers are fishing,

I really hope you’ll be reported missing.

What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?

You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.

Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D

What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?

Dam fools.

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.

What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.

The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."

The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"

90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist.