Religion jokes
I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are through the roof!
How do you keep a homophobic heterosexual man that is a minister and a Christian nationalist with blond hair in suspense?
Wait until Christmas to take away his church's tax-exempt status or he will call the ACLU.
If a Muslim loses his Faith... Does he throw in the Towel?
What's hot and hard?
Me when I look at children.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.
me at 3:00 trying to summon jesus:
What's the difference between a priest and SpongeBob?
SpongeBob asks if you're ready first.
Bick: Jesus isn't real.
Ron: Yes, He is.
Bick: Prove it, bitch.
Ron: Cussing is a sin. Open the curtains.
Bick: Wh-?
Ron: JUST DO IT, DAMMIT!
The sunlight shone through the window, landing on Ron and Bick. Both of them died and went to hell.
Ron: Fuck you, Jesus.
Bick: Told you Jesus was real.
Satan: Get to work, slaves.
Moral of the story: Stay off the marijuana.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes a while to put you under.
Why can't Jesus judge gay people?
He got nailed right before he died.
What's the difference between Jesus and the baby in my basement?
Jesus died a virgin.
Roses are red, the Jews are a cult.
I've practiced Metzitzah b'peh on adults.
A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."
What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?
"My bum hurts!"
What do you call an Islamic LGBT member? A Gaylism.
Why do orphans go to church?
To call someone "father."
A little boy went to church. The priest said, "Get in the following positions: stand, then kneel, then bow." The little boy replies, "Can you hurry up and f**k me already?"
Why did God give women legs?
1. To look at.
2. To wrap around your neck when you’re eating her out.
What did the terrorist say to the 72 virgins?
"Just so you know, 5 inches is REALLY big!"
Baptism, a chance for the priest to bathe you.
What is an angel's favorite kind of tortilla chip dip?
GuacaHOLY!