Religion jokes

A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.

"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"

And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.

"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"

And so he did.

A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."

Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.

Did Jesus cut his nails?

No! His nails cut through him.

When you get a pop-up book of the Qur'an and it just explodes as soon as you turn the page XD.

Why does a penis taste like octopus 🐙?

Stupid question 😒 🙄 even the catholic church ⛪ 🙏 knows that one.

How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.

A guy walks into a mosque... then blows up.

Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"

Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"

God says, "You are what you are."

Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."

Did you know that good Catholic girls like to WAP?

Yeah, they are all about Worship and Prayer.

What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?

One to trust and the other to thrust.

What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest?

Alien vs. Predator.

What do you call a nun on a bike?

Virgin Mobile.

A normal exorcism is getting a demon out of a person, but a reverse exorcism is the devil telling the priest to get out of the child.

What is red, pink, yellow, green, orange?

A black woman dressed for church.

Yo mama so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked her to move out the way.

Yo mama so fat, she the reason why Moses split the Red Sea.

What do priests give children?

Syphilis.

I believe Alia is a true god because they say in the beginning there was an explosion.

Yo mama so fat, she fell off the judgement room and broke the 7 layers of hell.