Religion jokes
"Cheesus" hates me, yeah, I know, 'cause he's a real douchelord fictional character.
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
A man goes into Heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa’s clock, it has never moved because she has never lied."
"There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice."
"Where is Donald Trump’s?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
Yo mama so old.
Her first Christmas... was the first Christmas!
Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"
A man sacrificed children who played Roblox, so when someone knocked on the door, they said, "An administrator has banned you from heaven!"
I don't have a joke about Christianity.
I don't want to get crucified.
Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”
Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Jesus is gay, and God is transgender.
What type of meat do priests eat on Good Friday? Nun.
What's the difference between Jesus and a gay person?
One created the rainbow, the other one ruined it.
(Yes, I know God created the rainbow, not Jesus.)
God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"
Man: How tall is a penguin?
Bartender: About three foot, why?
Man: Oh shit, the Bible-bashing nuns! I fucking hit one!
Poor car.
Mom, how were hoomans made? Son, it’s because Adam and Eve were brought down by God and made babies!
Dad, how were hoomans made? Son, us humans evolved from monkeys!
Mom, Dad said hoomans were evolved from monkeys, is that true? Oh son, (ruffles smol man’s hair) your dad was telling you his side of the family, and I was telling my side :)
What do orphans go to church for?
So they can call someone "father."
What's the similarity between Catholic Priests and McDonalds? They both like sticking their meat in 6-year-old buns.
Your grandmother died because she fell on the highest floor of the hotel. Your grandfather died because he got shot while saving your mother. If he didn't save your mother, you wouldn't be here.
You grew up in a world full of viruses. You wanted the virus to be gone. There's only one way, but you have to know it. I can't tell it for you.
Your mother got Covid-19. You prayed and prayed all night, hoping that she would be okay. The next day, the doctors went to your house without your mother. You asked, "Where is my mother?!" The doctors said, "Your mother is gone, so we came here to tell you." The doctors left. Another hour, you were thinking while crying, "Why was my prayer not working? Lord, why'd you let me down?"
You searched on Google "How to bring back the dead." The Google workers declined it. Your father left you because he loved another girl. Your brothers are still with you, but what if they get the virus? Who will be with you?
Don't forget Jesus is still there for you. Don't give up, keep going, and you will succeed soon. You will find your own family and beat the coronavirus.
A monk asks the priest if it's okay to kiss a nun.
The priest replies, "Just as long as you don't get in the habit!"
Did you know an orphan is deeply religious because they can finally call someone "father."