Religion jokes
What's the difference between 5% of priests and 5% of atheists?
5% of atheists have seen a ghost.
5% of priests have spooked altar boys in the sacristy.
Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.
Yo mama so old.
Her first Christmas... was the first Christmas!
Why is a tree brown?
If you are thinking about this, you are racist.
Stephen Hawking said there is no God.
2018 God said there is no Stephen Hawking.
Man: I must confess, Father.
Priest: What are you here to confess?
Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.
Priest: And what happened to your son?
Man: He said a man raped him.
Priest: When and where did this happen?
Man: A local church. I don't know which one.
Priest: ...By whom?
Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.
Priest: ...Shit
A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
They should have ducked.
Why did the sun go to church?
Because it needs Jesus.
Did Jesus die a virgin? No, he got nailed before he died.
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Why do orphans like to go to church?
So they have someone to call father.
If you're bored, punch an orphan in the face. What is he gonna do, tell his parents?
I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.
A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"
What is Jesus' favorite gun?
A nail gun.
If you throw a nun, is it called a... Nunchuck???
Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
They say you should love your neighbor. Does that mean I have to love the president?
The terrorists lost their landing gear and had to make a crash landing into the closest building because religion.
Why did half the world go to hell? Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.
YOU'VE BEEN WARNED (again)!