Religion jokes

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Which company likes Jesus the most?

IHS Markit!

What is an angel's favorite kind of tortilla chip dip?

GuacaHOLY!

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"

-not my joke

"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' but John came fifth and got a toaster."

Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?

Because they blow up in your face.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.

You can't drink alcohol or dance.

Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.

House parties are like churches: there's always an underage kid getting fucked somewhere.

What does a Jewish man say when he sees a caricature of his face?

"We need to circumcise that one."

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One is for Sunday morning, and one is for Sunday night.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One serves the nailed to the cross, one nailed by her boss.

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

Why do Indian men marry fat women?

Because they worship cows.

Imagine if you were an Arabic person shopping at Walmart with your son.

Now imagine he got lost and you had to start calling out his name.

...Now imagine his name is "Allahu Akbar."

The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"

What's the difference between acne and the Pope?

Acne waits till you're 13 to cum on your face.

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.