Religion jokes

Has anyone alive ever died?

Is this our eternal life?

Jesus saved me from eternal fate, but I didn't want to get saved. I was about to fight Satan on Final Destination before facing and kicking God's ass.

Remember, the confession booth is not a glory hole.

I pray to a dead human I hope to be reunited with.

Jesus, that's sick.

God = what I hope to be.

Devil = what I can't accept.

I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.

Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.

You should know it's important to wash your sex toys. That's why priests invented baptism.

Your mom is so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mom to move out of the way.

What is Jesus’s Favorite Exercise?

CrossFit.

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

A priest walks into a bar, immediately orders the kids' menu.

Why can't Heaven and Hell ever be one 2nd paradise?

Heaven always has 5-star reviews.

Devil: Hey angel.

Angel: Hi devil, why are you nice?

Devil: What do angels add to their food to make it a little more spicy?

Angel: What?

Devil: Angelpinos!

You call him the holy cross. I call it the rejected Smash character.

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

What's a little white dot on a priest's dick? A baby tooth.

There never was a historical Jesus Christ. Hey, do not even dream of crucifying me.

Q: What do Moses and hookers have in common?

A: They've dealt with a burning bush.

Why does Saturn have a ring?

Because God liked it, so he put a ring on it.

Why don't churches have WiFi?

They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.