Religion jokes
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
What do you call a retarded Catholic?
Asperges.
What did Mother Mary say when God farted? Jesus Christ, you stink!
Where do terrorists go for food? The Allah snack bar.
The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”
Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “How do you know this?”
Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””
Why do Roman Catholics always call their minister father?
because Roman Catholic men between 18-29 years old received a free anonymous blowjob inside the confessional booth at the glory hole.
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? One cuts them off and one sucks them off.
Ctrl, Alt, Deletus, because of thine fetus.
Yo mama so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked her to move out the way.
What is white, blue eyed, blonde haired and somehow was made in Galilee during the Roman occupation?
An Italian Renaissance painting that was carbon dated.
Why do nuns go around in pairs?
So one nun makes sure the other nun doesn't get none!
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
What do priests give children?
Syphilis.
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.
What did the cow say to his relatives on Christmas day?
Moorry Christmas!
(Even though cows can't really have religions.)
What do Christians and gays have in common?
They both say, “Oh God” when they get on their knees.
God: “Steven, join us.”
Sees the staircase to Heaven.
Steven: “Ahh, fu-”
Satan and the devil are alter egos.
What did the choir boy sing to the priest? Nothing, his mouth was full.