Religion jokes
"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' but John came fifth and got a toaster."
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"
-not my joke
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
What's the slogan for a Muslim gym?
Might in dynamite.
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One serves the nailed to the cross, one nailed by her boss.
Memes
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One is for Sunday morning, and one is for Sunday night.
How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?
Are you 7/11 or 9/11?
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”
Why do Indian men marry fat women?
Because they worship cows.
Imagine if you were an Arabic person shopping at Walmart with your son.
Now imagine he got lost and you had to start calling out his name.
...Now imagine his name is "Allahu Akbar."
The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"
What's the difference between acne and the Pope?
Acne waits till you're 13 to cum on your face.
Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.
My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.
They say Jesus walked on water.
That's nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.
Why do I look nervous when I enter the church? Is it just because I'm the only one with the bomb?
Mama is so Catholic, Swiss cheese wishes it was as holy as she is. Do you...
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture? You need only one nail to hang a picture.
Me: You know what's the favorite slogan that Hindus like the most?
My friend: What?
Me: “kati supari kata paan katiyo ko bhejo pakistan.”
A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.
Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"
Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"
Priest: "Fuck the children."
Rabbi: "Do we have time?"
Priest: "There's always time for something like that."