Religion jokes
Why don't skeletons play music at the church?
Because they don't have any organs.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
Nuns be like: Can I spread the word, but check for you?
If you throw a nun, is it called a... Nunchuck???
And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What does a Jewish man say when he sees a caricature of his face?
"We need to circumcise that one."
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
I want to die to see the other side, but if I die I won't know anybody on the other side.
Jesus stinks so bad he killed all living things in Heaven.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
What's the difference between Jesus and the baby I have in my basement?
Jesus died a virgin.
What is meals on wheels to a Christian nationalist that is also a conservative Republican politician, a gay man in a wheelchair that is poor and also physically handicapped, and who is also well-endowed?
Two nuns were sitting on a bench. A flasher flashed them, and one of the nuns had a stroke... but the other one was too far away :)
Did you hear that Rushdie has a new book? It's titled "Buddha, that Fat Fuck."
Yo mama so fat, she got baptized at SeaWorld.
How do you know you've found a priest? When little Timmy is glued to his crotch.
God took away Stephen Hawking's privileges.
Why do nuns not wear bras?
God supports everything.
How much pussy does a priest get? None.
The priest wanted the little boy to touch his cross. The boy said, "It's hard." Then it shot out holy water, and the priest said, "Come again and taste the second cumming of Jesus, lmao."