Religion jokes
Woman gets pulled over by a cop.
Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
Lady: "No, officer."
Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"
Lady: "Just water, officer."
Cop: "Looks like wine to me."
Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"
My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!
A priest walks into a bar, immediately orders the kids' menu.
Why can't Heaven and Hell ever be one 2nd paradise?
Heaven always has 5-star reviews.
You call him the holy cross. I call it the rejected Smash character.
Memes
What do McDonald's and priests have in common?
They both shove their meat into 10-year-old buns.
What is Jesus’s Favorite Exercise?
CrossFit.
Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.
Which company likes Jesus the most?
IHS Markit!
What is an angel's favorite kind of tortilla chip dip?
GuacaHOLY!
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"
-not my joke
"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' but John came fifth and got a toaster."
Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?
Because they blow up in your face.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.
You can't drink alcohol or dance.
Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.
House parties are like churches: there's always an underage kid getting fucked somewhere.
What does a Jewish man say when he sees a caricature of his face?
"We need to circumcise that one."
What did the teacher say to the fat Turkish kid that always ate in his class?
"You could do with Ramadan lasting all year, couldn't you?"
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”
Why do Indian men marry fat women?
Because they worship cows.