Religion jokes
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?
Tell him that it is a confessional booth.
Why did Jesus not win any Stanley Cups? Because he was cut from the team because he kept being pinned to the boards.
House parties are like churches: there's always an underage kid getting fucked somewhere.
What’s my favorite Islamic Holiday... 9/11.
I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.
Three guys are walking in a bar. A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist. That was just the first guy.
"When God sends me to hell... I want him to hesitate." -Techno
What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
If orphans aren’t religious, they really have no father. 😂
Your hairline is so far back that not even God knows about it.
What do a politician and a minister have in common?
Both of them will tell you anything to get money from you.
I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.
Yo mama so fat, she the reason why Moses split the Red Sea.
What does Adam look like?
The fat ginger baby of Boss Baby.
Jesus was a carpenter who got nailed to a piece of wood.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
Alahu-Akbar.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
Now, how about that drink?