Religion jokes
What do you get when you throw holy water on a cow?
A holy cow!
A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"
One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."
What's a priest's favorite toy?
A mute little boy.
What’s the difference between you and Jesus? We know who Jesus’s dad was.
How do we know Stephen is dying in hell?
There’s a stairway to heaven.
Why was Jesus Christ cut from the hockey team?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
God's consciousness: Art.
God's unconsciousness: Christianity.
What’s the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One kneels for salvation.
The other kneels with salivation.
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
What is meals on wheels to a Christian nationalist that is also a conservative Republican politician, a gay man in a wheelchair that is poor and also physically handicapped, and who is also well-endowed?
Yo mama so old, she witnessed Noah building the ark.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes time to put you under.
No one.
Why are priests called father?
I don’t know why.
Because calling them daddy is too suspicious.
7 year old Christian: *walks up to atheist menacingly* YoU nEeD sOmE jEsUs SaViNg!
Atheist: You prey to a Jewish zombie and I need saving?
Why is Christianity the most dramatic religion?
Because other religions say, "Do, do, do."
But Christianity says, "Done, done, done!"
Jesus is a rock music fan.
Because he likes Nine Inch Nails.
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell, not heaven? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.
How do angels 😇 make holy water 💧?
They boil the hell out of it.
If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.
God damn it. Fuck Christianity. I'm fucking 30 years old and still a virgin.
THAT'S A JOKE GOD DAMMIT!