Religion jokes

Why does Santa not have any children?

He only cums once a year.

How do we know Stephen is dying in hell?

There’s a stairway to heaven.

I moved all the Bibles to the fiction section because there is no God, as said Stephen Hawking in 2011, but in 2018, God said there was no Stephen Hawking.

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

What's the difference between a peanut and a priest?

With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.

What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?

Depends on who's sucking.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You can hang the picture with one nail.

God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.

What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?

"My bum hurts!"

Hey guys! Want to know something cool? Google Jesus' language. It's Aramaic.

Next, google "God in Aramaic". See the results for yourself. <3

I think God is cool with abortion.

After all, he did kill his only son.

What do a priest and a pedo have in common?

Nothing, they both like kids.

Do you need an ark?

Because I Noah guy!

Q: What do the St. Louis Rams and Billy Graham have in common?

A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ.”

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What does the Bible stand for?

Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.

"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"

And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.

"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"

And so he did.

A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."

Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.

Did Jesus cut his nails?

No! His nails cut through him.