Religion jokes

Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.

Did Jesus cut his nails?

No! His nails cut through him.

Why does a penis taste like octopus 🐙?

Stupid question 😒 🙄 even the catholic church ⛪ 🙏 knows that one.

How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.

A guy walks into a mosque... then blows up.

Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"

Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"

God says, "You are what you are."

Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Jesus.

Jesus who?

Jesus Christ, open the door!

You are so ugly, when the devil saw you, he said, "Jesus Christ!"

"Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."

- Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*

My friend just told me about reverse exorcisms.

In these, the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

I heard there was a kidnapping.

Don't worry, he woke up in the back of a van.

It was his father's friend who was a priest.

He was just bringing him to church.

What do you call a Christian Asian?

Hao Li.

*Riddle:* All men have one, some got long, some got small. The Pope never uses his, and a man gives it to his wife after getting married. What is it?

What God do rats worship?

Cheesus.

Yo mama so fat, she fell off the judgement room and broke the 7 layers of hell.

What's black, white, and red all over? A nun on her period.

Where do babies get baptized?

So the priest can wash their sex toys.

What did God say when he made the first woman?

"Where is your dick at?"

What do you call a nun on a bike?

Virgin Mobile.

God creates dog.

God: "You are man's best friend."

Dog: "That's pretty sexist."

God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak!"

Dog: "....."

God: "And chocolate kills you!"

Dog: "🐶"