Religion jokes
What's the difference between 5% of priests and 5% of atheists?
5% of atheists have seen a ghost.
5% of priests have spooked altar boys in the sacristy.
If you got a priest, a Rhodes scholar, and a politician in a room, what would you get?
The Royal Commission.
Alternatively, Tony Abbott.
Why do animators like Christianity?
Because Jesus was the one who invented T-Pose.
I'm Pastor Moe Mister, Moe Lester.
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.
The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"
Adam and Eve had 3 male children, the only children on Earth. How did they reproduce?
You should always wash your sex toys. That’s why priests invented baptism.
What has 2 legs and loves to play with little kids? The local priest.
Me: Mom, if Adam and Eve are white, then how were slaves made?
Mom: Well, Eve and the monkey fucked each other.
Me: Oh, okay.
Goes to school.
Teacher: How were humans made?
Me: Eve fucked the monkeys.
Teacher: 😑
The existence of the word "priest" implies the existence of "prier" and "pri".
Question: Why did Donald Trump convert to Judaism?
Answer: Because he heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with "Orange Jews"!
A guy asks his priest friend what he wants to eat, and the priest says "bad boys." Then his friend asks, "What kebab do you want?" and the priest says, "B Bricked up Caucasian or Asian will do."
One day, the Pope is coming to America in his limo, and he said to the driver, "Why don’t you let me drive for once?"
The driver thinks to himself, "Well, I can’t say no to this guy; he’s the Pope." So the driver pulls over, and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while, the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "Slow down a bit; you might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "Ahhh, don’t worry about it; I’m the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments, he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car, and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "Oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute?"
The Pope says, "Sure." The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "Guys, I just pulled over someone really important."
They ask who, "The President?"
"No, more important."
"The president of another country?"
"No, more important."
"An ambassador?"
"No, even more important."
"Well, who is it?"
"I don’t know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."
We are coming out with a Whopper that is similar to a priest because it also has its meat between 5-year-old buns.
Jesus was drinking when he made you.
My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.
What do you call the nun that hates?
For Paul Walker, Mother Teresa.
What do you call a priest meeting his illegal children?
A holy CUMmunion.
They all call it self-baptism. I call it failed suicide.