Relationship jokes

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"

Then I start to think I was the problem :(

Just kidding, fuck that asshole!

I masturbated by accident. I read the wrong thing And tested its factuality.

Well, it's been some good years now, haven't they? Being your own partner has never felt so together.

Peter: *curses* Sam: Wow, do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Peter: Ha, joke’s on you! I don’t have a mother.

Tony, having a heart attack: ASFJDHJWNSGREGEJDHFWVWHUSYSG PETER, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do orphans cry alone?

They do not have a mom's lap to sit on and a shoulder to cry on.

When I see two lovers' names on a tree, I don’t find it cute or funny. I think, why would they be bringing a knife on a date?

When you realize your friend standing next to you is adopted and narrates everything he does.

Why are all lesbians bad at math?

Because they can't multiply.

Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"

Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*

Why woman?

Why can't I get a girlfriend?

Because I'm a beta male simp.

I have trash so I throw it at my sister and say that she is a trash can.

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don’t care if she has one.

Cashew, see, I'm nuts about you!?

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"