Relationship jokes

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?

Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.

At what point does a joke become a dad joke?

When it disappears and never returns home.

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?

Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your smile's warmth, Lights up my view.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

How do skyscrapers make friends?

They reach out.

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

When a woman says, "I need to be treated like a delicate flower," don't cut the wrong cord on the bomb.

Kurt Cobain said he wished he was gay.

That's why he married Courtney Love.