Relationship jokes

Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?

Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your smile's warmth, Lights up my view.

Why are gay men better than straight women?

Because gay men are more willing to look after kids once they swallow them.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.

One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."

"How many men does your wife have?"

What do a man and a blonde do in bed?

Sleep!

The best and worst part about being bi:

Best: Double the love, double the fun.

Worst: Double the love, double the loneliness.

When a woman says, "I need to be treated like a delicate flower," don't cut the wrong cord on the bomb.

Kurt Cobain said he wished he was gay.

That's why he married Courtney Love.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.

A lesbian couple and a gay couple are going to San Francisco. Who made it first?

The lesbian couple got there lickety-split.

The gay couple was still packing their shit.

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"