Relationship jokes

I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.

Why was the baby ant confused?

Because its uncles were all aunts!

I love you.

What is the difference between a flat tire bicycle and a woman?

Answer: You need to pump the tire on the bicycle before you ride it, while a woman you need to ride her and pump.

I once dated a math teacher. It turned out she was nothing but problems.

What's the difference between a hoe and a prostitute?

One is a tool. The other is your mom.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, had some fun, now they have 4 babies.

How do you save your wife from drowning?

Take your foot off her neck.

I like your mom naked.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

120 pounds.

How does a depressed couple say goodbye on the phone?

"No, you hang yourself first..."

What’s the difference between a brick and redheads? Bricks get laid.

You're losing all your friends, but never any calories.

When you tell your friend he’s a simp and isn’t offended, say it stands for sucking intensely at monkeys' penises.

How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.

My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.

What's the definition of rude?

Sticking a blind man in a corner and telling him to find his wife.

Child: "Mom, what's an 'orgasm'?"

Mom: "I don't know, dear. Try asking your father."

If you have a twin sister, do you have the same name? Only if your mom and dad give you the same name.