Relationship jokes
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.
And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."
Ur dad is mad.
I f*** my dad. Please help me. 😭😭😭😭
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not your.
Not your who?
Not your mama!
you get
Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."
Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.
Imagine you ask a girl out in braille.
And she leaves you on felt.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.
What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?
I beat both of them.
My mom is a chemistry teacher.
Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.
Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!
"Guess what my wife left in the freezer?"
"Her miscarriage."
I like my vegetables like I like my women: forgotten at the bottom of my freezer.
My brother: What are you looking at?
Me: A mistake.
So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."
Mbu some guys look financially stable until you start dating them... Mbu wait I see how this week goes...🤔
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet. And your mom is, too.
What’s the key to a successful relationship?
Consent.
Why do some couples go to the gym together?
Because they want their relationship to work out.