Relationship jokes

He couldn’t stand it anymore with his sister because he is in a wheelchair.

Yo mama is so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common?

Once they're gone, they never come back.

Why can't orphans open a family business?

Because there is no family.

Why can’t orphans have sex? Because they have no one to call DADDY! 😩

My sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said, "Pick one."

My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.

Him: How do you break things?

Me: You break things up.

Him: Okay.

Me: Is everything okay?

Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.

I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.

You guys wanna hear a joke?

My LOVE LIFE.

So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!

Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.

She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already done told her twice.

What’s the difference between the baby I just stabbed and Isaac Newton?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

About to go on a date.

But she was late.

So I got some tape.

And eventually punished her with rape.

I like my women like I like my scotch:

12 years old and mixed with coke.

Why do orphans that go to their friend's house get this reaction from the friend's mom:

"Go back to your house, it's late." "Finn, wait, can I have your mom's phone number?" "Finn, wait, aren't you an orphan?" "Wait, don't you have a phone, Finn?" "Wait, I forgot, you don't have a phone because nobody wanted to get you a phone or to get you."

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?

Boyfriend: My mom taught me.