Relationship jokes
What does broccoli and sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, In this world of chaos, I find peace with you.
Why are gay men better than straight women?
Because gay men are more willing to look after kids once they swallow them.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
What’s something you can say in bed and in a Zoom meeting?
"Do you want the cameras on or off?"
I read the chapter of numbers, but nowhere did I ever see your number.
Wanna play dolls?
I can be Ken, and you can be the box I come in.
Last year, I gave my brother a BB gun for his birthday. He gave me a T-shirt with a bullseye on it.
I asked him what the bullseye was for. He said, "Target practice."
I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.
The dad finally came back with the milk!
Yesterday I purchased a world map and told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands, I will take her. Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
How did the Emo ask the other Emo out?
"Wanna hang together?"
Marriage is really educational.
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?
"I thought what we had was special!"
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers, two of them are for you.