Relationship jokes

Why can't orphans open a family business?

Because there is no family.

Why can’t orphans have sex? Because they have no one to call DADDY! 😩

My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.

Him: How do you break things?

Me: You break things up.

Him: Okay.

Me: Is everything okay?

Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.

I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.

If sex with three people is called a "threesome" and sex with two people is called a "twosome," then I know why people call you handsome!

You should never date a prospector. They're all just gold diggers.

My sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said, "Pick one."

You guys wanna hear a joke?

My LOVE LIFE.

If your boyfriend doesn't get your fruit puns, you got to let that mango.

A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"

Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"

A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.

Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.

Why do orphans that go to their friend's house get this reaction from the friend's mom:

"Go back to your house, it's late." "Finn, wait, can I have your mom's phone number?" "Finn, wait, aren't you an orphan?" "Wait, don't you have a phone, Finn?" "Wait, I forgot, you don't have a phone because nobody wanted to get you a phone or to get you."

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?

Boyfriend: My mom taught me.

When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?

Me: My sister.

SWEET HOME ALABAMAA

There’s no "I" in "sex," but there’s a "U" in "cum."