Relationship jokes
When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.
Mom says: "I will go kill myself."
Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*
Some time later me fighting with my mom:
Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"
Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"
Lesson?
So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?
So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.
Her boyfriend said "Hi."
I said, "Knife to meet you!"
Definition of trust: two cannibals having oral sex.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)
Memes
Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.
GF: What did you use as kissing when you were little?
Me: My sister.
SWEET HOME ALABAMAA
Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!
Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.
Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!
Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.
Karien: That is so boring!
Daiana: Well just work with me please?
Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!
Hi, I'm Madison, but for short you can call me Alex.
Why can’t orphans have sex?
They have no one to call “daddy.”
Just cum.
I was at a funeral and told a joke, and my sister said, "I'm dead." So I said, "That's what she said."
My parents love me.
When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.
It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.
Why did the strawberry 🍓 go out with a banana? Because it could not find a date.
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.
I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.
What did the man's dick say to the man?
I just can't "hand"le it!
When your uncle drops a nickel, but the only thing he really drops is his pants.
I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.