Relationship jokes
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already done told her twice.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If I had a gun, I'd shoot you.
Is that a mirror in your pocket?
'Cause I can see myself in your pants.
"I only want to play with your daughter. It was okay yesterday."
What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?
Women can't take a joke!
I like strippers on me.
What’s the difference between the baby I just stabbed and Isaac Newton?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
A man asked another man if he was happy with his marriage. He replied, "Yes, I'm very happy. We go on date night every week." The other man asked, "When?" He goes on Wednesday and I go on Thursday.
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"
Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"
If sex with three people is called a "threesome" and sex with two people is called a "twosome," then I know why people call you handsome!
If your boyfriend doesn't get your fruit puns, you got to let that mango.
So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!
Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.
He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"
"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.
Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"
My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.
Him: How do you break things?
Me: You break things up.
Him: Okay.
Me: Is everything okay?
Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.
I would say something funny, but I would have to dig someone up.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.
Why do orphans that go to their friend's house get this reaction from the friend's mom:
"Go back to your house, it's late." "Finn, wait, can I have your mom's phone number?" "Finn, wait, aren't you an orphan?" "Wait, don't you have a phone, Finn?" "Wait, I forgot, you don't have a phone because nobody wanted to get you a phone or to get you."
Kate: Can we have a threesome?
Trevor: Sure.
The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.