Relationship jokes

I just wish I went on a date with Ariana Grande, and then everybody knew I fucked Ariana Grande.

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."

The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

My ex died in an anchorage accident.

She always was a sleeping hooker.

Boy: Will you remember me in a minute?

Mom: Yes.

Boy: Will you remember me in a day?

Mom: Yes.

Boy: Will you remember me in a year?

Mom: Yes.

Boy: Knock knock.

Mom: Who's there?

Boy: Bitch, you forgot me.

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.

I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back...

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."

What did the snail say to his ex-wife?

"I'm still leaving you!"

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job keeps sucking after 5 years.

If Kenny had a son, we all know he would also be his brother.

Why can't an orphan be gay? Because they have no one to call "daddy."

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,

It's great being a sniper.

Bf: Hey, what ya doing?

Gf: Just lying in bed.

Bf: Just lying in bed?

Gf: And eating cereal.

Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?

Gf: Eat my cereal.

Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.

Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.

Who makes the best anteaters?

Uncle's... (Aunt eaters)

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.

When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"