Relationship jokes

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.

The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.

Can we have sex, because if we don't, I can't like you, big, thick booty!

So let's have sex in bed, you sexy woman, or behind a tree, because shoving my dick in your pussy is a very nice feeling while sucking your ass.

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.

The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"

My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.

What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

My friends told me to stop making suicide jokes, so I hanged on.

Do you work at Subway? Because you turn my 6 inch into a footlong.

I had sex with a disabled girl. You can say I handiclapped those cheeks.

It's not incest if you're adopted.

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.

Your hairline bent like the relationship with your mom and dad.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

My sister: You were born ugly.

Me: I'm not a mirror, sis.

Why did Michael Jackson divorce LMP? She didn't want to give him kids.

What did the girl and the orphan have in common? Their parents weren't home.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.