I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,
It's great being a sniper.
Relationship Jokes
Bf: Hey, what ya doing?
Gf: Just lying in bed.
Bf: Just lying in bed?
Gf: And eating cereal.
Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?
Gf: Eat my cereal.
Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.
Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.
Who makes the best anteaters?
Uncle's... (Aunt eaters)
My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.
The other day my brother hit me. I yelled for mom. No one responded.
When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"
The popular girl told me, "I bet your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory!"
Two weeks later, she shows up pregnant.
...
I guess her rubber broke too.
Why can’t orphans have sex?
They have no one to call "daddy."
When you’re trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire. Shit, have I had to suck a lot of cock lately!?
A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"
I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
Yo mama is like train tracks; she gets laid all around the country.
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
The highest level of trust in the world is when two cannibals are each giving each other blowjobs.
Why are Black women dating white men?
So their kids don’t have to worry about not meeting their father.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.
Do you work at Subway? Because you turn my 6 inch into a footlong.
I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.
