The eyelash and the lipstick got into a fight. Soon they will make up.
Relationship Jokes
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Your mom.
Fuck you you rwind my life.
You should never date a prospector. They're all just gold diggers.
How do you get two deaf people from fighting?
Turn off the lights and walk out.
Why won't my boyfriend eat my pie? His brother made it.
What are the best kind of fruit for twins? Pears đ
I heard you were looking for a stud. I have the STD, and all I need is U.
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean youâre siblings?
A few days after her husbandâs death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.
The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. Itâs really hot down here!"
It's not incest if you're adopted.
Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Prince will be coming back in 10 mins here is a joke.
Gwen: Prince sorry but I'm wanting someone else instead. You've just been a complete jackass toward me, sorry good night.
Prince: Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gwen: Good night!
Prince: Why?
Gwen: Because...now good night!
Prince: We can work some things out?
Gwen: Nope...NOW GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!
To be continued
So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
Sam and Amya like anal sex with each other.
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.
Why are wives also called a housekeeper?
Because after the divorce, they keep the house.
