Relationship jokes
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.
The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they have no one to call "daddy."
Can two high-femme lesbians go on a date with each other?
Yes, but it will take them forever to get ready.
What do you call an orphan's family picture? A self-portrait.
A boy went to a doctor, and the doctor said, "I can't treat you." The boy asked why, and the doctor said, "Because I'm a family doctor."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back...
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they have no one to call "Daddy!"
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning,
It's great being a sniper.
I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!
Why did Michael Jackson divorce LMP? She didn't want to give him kids.
I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"
Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"
I was digging a hole in my garden, then I found a treasure chest. I was so happy. I went to tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging a hole.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.
But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.
My sister: You were born ugly.
Me: I'm not a mirror, sis.
Your hairline bent like the relationship with your mom and dad.
We all know yo homie bout to hop in a fight when:
1. He staring mighty hard at y'all.
2. When your friend know you gon get your ass beat.
3. When your friend say he not gon jump in (you know he lying).
What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage.
My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.