Relationship jokes

Why is my dick like a balloon?

The more you blow it, the bigger it gets.

What did Joe say when he saw his girlfriend sleeping with his sister?

Nothing, he just started wanking.

Roses are red, Violets are blue... I fucked your mother's ass, and she had you.

What’s the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?

There’s twenty of them!

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

What's the difference between a hoe and a prostitute?

One is a tool. The other is your mom.

Who am I rooting for during the Super Bowl? Easy. Taylor Swift.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet. And your mom is, too.

What’s the difference between rape and marriage?

With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman.

The teacher once said to some students, "I was an orphan before your principal hired me."

The students said, "Oof, that is sad."

The teacher tried to ignore them and take attendance. She said, "Is anyone missing?"

The students said, "Your parents."

The teacher got offended and later that day quit her job.

A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

Son:...... um

Being incest isn't that bad. I was fingering my sister, and I found my dad's old wedding ring. Winner winner!

So I was sitting at a bar, right? That fucking waitress came again, and guess what? She brought the wrong drinks again. So I send her away to get the correct drinks. And she came back again, with the wrong drinks!! Obviously, she was retarded. Anyways that's the story about how I met your mother.

What to say to a single guy who's insulting you: "Shut up, you horny virgin!"

Why do men have penises?

They gotta shut women up somehow.

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b*tch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie?” the teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s b*tch.”

Men should pay for the first date, that’s why it’s called a (men)u.

Then women should do the dishes, that’s why they call it a dish wash(her).

What's a brother and sister from Alabama's favorite sex position?

The cowgirl.

My girlfriend has a huge crush on Jupiter, I mean she fell HARD!

What does Nemo have in common with my dad?

They both can't be found.