Relationship jokes
What do condoms and whores have in common?
Answer: There is a lot that comes in every box.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"
I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"
She said, "Why?"
I said, "'Cause it's your twin."
What do you call a mix of nuts, bolts, and my ex?
A roTHOT.
C A S T O R here is proof the names are marked out for privacy
What does a husband of a woman do when he is horny?
He goes on a business trip with 100 $1 dollar bills.
What's the smallest stick in the world?
Your man's dick.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap it on the arse and tell it to keep going!
My friend dared me to steal my other friend's watch. I tried, but failed. He really got me, dare.
An elderly man was happy to finally see his wife again and was packing. He told everyone about the trip.
"I will see her in one week!"
A week later, he died.
What is the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when an abled-bodied gay male is receiving an anonymous blow job from a physically disabled gay male under the handicapped stall at a rest area.
Perverted is when an abled-bodied gay male has to give a Klondike Bar to a physically disabled gay male to receive an anonymous blow job under the handicapped stall at a rest area.
Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. Not everyone gets it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My girlfriend called me a "bot" in Fortnite, so I called her "sandwich maker 3000."
Why did Stephen Hawking's wife leave him? She was sick of buying triple A batteries.
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
I heard you were looking for a stud...
I already have the STD; all I need is you.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wipe his ass.
There was a family, the father's name was Mad, the mother is Brain, the brother's name is Nobody and the sister's name is Everybody.
One day, Nobody killed Everybody, and the father ran to the police's office and screamed, "NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODY!!!!!"
"Sir, are you okay?" The police asked.
"I said, NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODYYYYY!!!!!" The father yelled even louder.
"Are you mad?" The police asked.
"Yes, because my name is Mad!" The father exclaimed.
"Where's your brain?" Asked the police.
"At home because my wife name is Brain," the father said. The police fell down due to the confusion.
Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?
Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.
Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.
5 minutes later
Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?
Teacher, the one sucking it?
Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.