Relationship jokes

Once upon a time, fraternal twins, brother and sister, with almost 100% equal DNA were separated at birth. At the age of 42, they were married, had 2 sons and 2 daughters. They took an ancestryDNA test, and the results were scientifically sexually shocking.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.

A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.

What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?

My brother didn’t beat cancer.

I heard you were looking for a stud...

I already have the STD; all I need is you.

I think my dad's gay because he goes out with his mates to get milk but never returns.

I will always remember my grandma's last words: "What are you doing with that pillow?"

I finally got a girlfriend.

Her name is Remington Model 32.

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

Are you sure your father isn't a thief?

Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

All the people disliking these jokes are definitely orphans.

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

I swear I always finish on page 3 when I'm looking at family pictures.

What is the worst part about siblings having sex?

Being left out.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don’t work out.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.

I love telling jokes about orphans. I mean, what are they going to do about it? Tell their parents?

What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more!