Relationship jokes

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

What do orphans call a selfie?

A family photo.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.

What do you call a blind person on a date? A blind date.

Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. Not everyone gets it.

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.

Why did the electron leave the atom?

Because it had its ion someone else.

Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

Once upon a time, fraternal twins, brother and sister, with almost 100% equal DNA were separated at birth. At the age of 42, they were married, had 2 sons and 2 daughters. They took an ancestryDNA test, and the results were scientifically sexually shocking.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.

A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.

What’s the difference between cancer and my brother?

My brother didn’t beat cancer.

Are you sure your father isn't a thief?

Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

What is the worst part about siblings having sex?

Being left out.

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

All the people disliking these jokes are definitely orphans.

I heard you were looking for a stud...

I already have the STD; all I need is you.