Relationship jokes

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

What do orphans call a selfie?

A family photo.

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

What do you call a blind person on a date? A blind date.

Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. Not everyone gets it.

Why did the electron leave the atom?

Because it had its ion someone else.

MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

MOM: No, you're not.

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

Roses are red... Violets are blue... I feel like I'm gonna get raped next to you.

Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

Once upon a time, fraternal twins, brother and sister, with almost 100% equal DNA were separated at birth. At the age of 42, they were married, had 2 sons and 2 daughters. They took an ancestryDNA test, and the results were scientifically sexually shocking.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

If you have a girlfriend/crush that's shorter than you, go up to her and say, "You're short, lemme add some inches."

Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?

Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!

What's fat and wanks over his mom?

Guy Sheppard.

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

All the people disliking these jokes are definitely orphans.