Relationship jokes

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

Roses are red... Violets are blue... I feel like I'm gonna get raped next to you.

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!

What's fat and wanks over his mom?

Guy Sheppard.

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

All the people disliking these jokes are definitely orphans.

I swear I always finish on page 3 when I'm looking at family pictures.

What is the worst part about siblings having sex?

Being left out.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don’t work out.

Who needs dating apps when you have family reunions?

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

I heard you were looking for a stud...

I already have the STD; all I need is you.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

I finally got a girlfriend.

Her name is Remington Model 32.

I love telling jokes about orphans. I mean, what are they going to do about it? Tell their parents?

A phone is like parents. Not everyone has one.