Phone jokes

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

I want your weight, not your phone number.

Why can't orphans use a phone?

Because they don't have a home screen.

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.

When I hotline bling, I only need one thing.

I said to the emo girl, "She gets jealous every time her phone dies."

Warning! Cringe Alert!

What happens when you leave your phone at jail?

It becomes a cell phone.

Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.

Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.

Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.

Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?

Bully: How would you know that?

Me: Because she told me herself.

Bully: How exactly?

Me: She's on the phone right now.

Phone: *High pitched animal noises*

Me: Told you so!

I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)

I saw this boy named Phone. He said where would he live? I said an orphanage.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

Why? You ask.

Because it only takes one charge to bring it back to life.

"Ring Ring! Hi, I've been needing to call you. Your hairline has been found by Dora after 25 years!"

Your mama so fat when she steps on the scale, the scale said, "I'm trying to get your weight, not your phone number!"

I get jealous when my phone dies.

How to respond if someone starts looking at the photos on your phone.

Step 1: Jab your thumbs into their eye sockets.

I once told Siri, "Hey Siri, why am I still single?" She opened the front camera.

Your mum is so stupid, when she went on your phone it got fat.

Your mom is so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Your mom is so dumb, she called me asking for my phone #.