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Phone jokes

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

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    • The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

    Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

    "Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

    "Yes," whispered the small voice.

    "May I talk with her?"

    The child whispered, "No."

    Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?"

    "Yes."

    "May I talk with him?"

    Again the small voice whispered, "No."

    Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"

    "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

    "No, he's busy," whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?"

    "Talking to the ambulancemen and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

    "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

    "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

    Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

    Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

    One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

    I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

    So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!

    Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.

    Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.

    Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.

    Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.

    Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.

    Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.

    Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.

    Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.

    I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.

    Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.

    Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.

    I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.

    Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.

    Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.

    Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.

    Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.

    Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.

    Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.

    Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.

    I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.

    Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.

    Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.

    Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.

    Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!

    Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!

    Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook!

    The first time you have a new phone, you have a different one. You can change your phone to a new phone, but it doesn’t change the phone, it’s just different. I think it will work. I just think it would look good, and then it would work, but you don’t know if it’s the right thing for the new one. You just know it’s the wrong. It’s a bad phone. It’s a new thing. It’s the same for different every day, but it doesn’t look, and I think so it’s not a good, but it works, so it’s different, so it’s different for the new phone, and it doesn’t have to work on it. It doesn’t matter to the same for you know it’s just the one but it doesn’t have the one that I can do a lot better and I can just use my new one, but it is not that the new iPhone, so you have the one that’s the other is that I have the same thing and it’s the same phone, but I have to get the new iPhone. I just want it and then you have a good and it’s a different number so it’s just like so it’s just one, but you know it’s not like I have the new iPhone so you know it’s just one so it’s a little more than just the one and it will get the new phone so it’s just easier and cheaper for the money but it won’t cost much more to pay off your car than to get the phone for the next two weeks weeks or even two years to to have the car car fixed so it’s easier and quicker and I will be happy I’m happy happy I’m so excited excited thank y all and I will talk soon and have you have an update as to the results soon thank ya again so far hope all goes all are good hope to be in your class today love and have you been in your dreams hope all your day too bye.

    Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey, is Dad late to pick you up again?

    Child: No, Mum. Dad is here, but he is talking about me to Mrs. Lili, the math teacher.

    Mom: Can you hear them?

    Child: I think... they are watching a good movie.

    Mom: Why do you think that?

    Child: Because I keep hearing this *HOLDS ONTO PHONE* and clap, clap, clap.

    Why do orphans that go to their friend's house get this reaction from the friend's mom:

    "Go back to your house, it's late." "Finn, wait, can I have your mom's phone number?" "Finn, wait, aren't you an orphan?" "Wait, don't you have a phone, Finn?" "Wait, I forgot, you don't have a phone because nobody wanted to get you a phone or to get you."

    Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

    Get the whip, you're out!

    Why couldn't people have their phone on airplane mode during 9/11?

    Because their phone exploded the towers.