Phone jokes
Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.
Get the whip, you're out!
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
Why couldn't people have their phone on airplane mode during 9/11?
Because their phone exploded the towers.
Chuck Norris strangled someone with a cordless phone.
Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?
You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-
(Destroys phone cutely)
Yo mama so stupid, she ate the Apple phone you gave her.
Why should you never give an orphan a phone?
Because they wouldn't be able to find the home button.
Why shouldn't orphans get a phone?
They would get stuck in an app because they can't find the home button.
Grew up playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad. Spent time with my online sister playing multiplayer.
Now I play it in school with an awesome small steel blade.
I’m not allowed my phone during school hours and I have to give it in at the start of the day...
During a phone call:
"Hey, is Michael Jackson in Miami with his manager?"
"Actually, he's off to Tampa with the kids."
Me, calls the police*
Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!
Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.
Me: Why, so you can then stop me?
Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!
Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!
Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.
Your mama is so fat, she needs two phones to take a picture of herself.
Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?
Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.
Me: What is that?
Siri: Sugondese nuts.
I keep trying to call my emo friend. They keep hanging up.
Me: Truth or dare?
Crush: Dare.
Me: I dare you to give me your phone number.
Crush: Umm nevermind, truth.
Me: Ok, what is your phone number?
So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.
When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"
Yo mama so fat that when she took a selfie, she needed two phones.
Your mum is so cute that I asked for her number and she said yes, and now we're dating.