Phone jokes

During a phone call:

"Hey, is Michael Jackson in Miami with his manager?"

"Actually, he's off to Tampa with the kids."

Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

Your mama is so fat, she needs two phones to take a picture of herself.

Me: Hey Siri, did you know Candice died?

Siri: Yes, I was informed she died from sugondese.

Me: What is that?

Siri: Sugondese nuts.

I keep trying to call my emo friend. They keep hanging up.

Me: Truth or dare?

Crush: Dare.

Me: I dare you to give me your phone number.

Crush: Umm nevermind, truth.

Me: Ok, what is your phone number?

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"

Yo mama so fat that when she took a selfie, she needed two phones.

Your mum is so cute that I asked for her number and she said yes, and now we're dating.

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

When you play Flappy Bird in 9/11, the bird is a plane and the obstacle courses are towers.

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"

Me: "Please...I need my...phone."

*opens twitter*

Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

I want your weight, not your phone number.

Why can't orphans use a phone?

Because they don't have a home screen.

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.

When I hotline bling, I only need one thing.