Personal jokes
What is the difference between a fat person and a whole pizza?
Well, a whole pizza cannot eat a fat person.
What do you call an Indian?
Person in red. Cart a pack of Maltesers.
Personally, I think putting beans on toast is better than bullets in children.
What do you call a person who measures air? Airometer.
Why did the person get fired from the calendar factory?
Because they took a day off.
What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"
"9/11" or just "7-Eleven" to a Mexican person.
POV: A person made you mad, but you're Chinese and they have a cat. "CHING CHONG, CHING CHONG, CHING CHONG, BITCH."
@ Kobe the person under my joke, your hairline is so bad that Kobe Bryant could've lived if he landed the helicopter on your forehead.
Normally the reason you don't get a knife when you ask for one is because the person you asked is emo.
What do you call a person who tries to get you on a dating website... a Brodie.
Wow, paint can, you have such a colorful personality!
Depressed person: *chokes on food*
*involuntary coughs until they can breathe*
"AWWW! I failed the race!"
Symptoms of Schizophrenia
The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two more of the following for at least one month:
Delusions
Hallucinations
During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.
I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.
Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”
My friend was the only one who laughed.
So my ex, who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though Will has a better haircut than me, but anyway, when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met, and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat.
Then I told her she has the Wendy's logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit, I was done.
Anyways, she cried lol.
I'm doing a new thing where you say an object in the comments, and I will try to make a joke based off the object.
If you are interested, you can submit an object in the comments.
I will give the person credit each joke I do.
What kind of person will steal Captain Hook's hook?
Answer: A hooker.
"Watch out, there's an iceberg!"
Other person: "We will be fine."
10 minutes later, drowns, says, "We will be fine."
When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”
"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”
“Where do you come from?"
"Rome."
“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”
To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, never heard of him.”
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"
"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"He says Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"