Personal jokes
How to complement a depressed person: "I like your cuts, g."
What do an orphan and a homeless person have in common?
They have no one to call "Dad."
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friend group.
I suspected that it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”
What does a disabled person want to be when they grow up? A stand-up comedian.
I'm a gay depressed person. Would that make me a happy unhappy person?
What's a dying person's least favorite app? TikTok.
How are wet clothes and a depressed person alike? One gets hung up to dry, the other gets hung up to die.
Control tower to Boeing 747, you're clear to land on (said person)'s forehead.
The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.
Knock knock.
Me, a person: Who's there?
A: Deez nuts!
I was wearing a George Floyd t-shirt, and a person said to me: "That must be a bit tight round the neck."
Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex.
Oh, were you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
Hold still, I am trying to imagine you with a personality.
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
What’s the difference between anal sex and vegetables? One is cruel to the person getting it in, the other is vegetables.
What's a dead person's favorite sentence?
"I made it."
Why did orphans have to drink their own piss?
Because last time they went to the bar, they went with their dad and drank some Corona, then got drunk and started eating someone's toenails, so his dad went to go get the milk and everybody had to evacuate the bar. Then the orphan started walking on his teeth and got listed for the top ten wanted animals in the world, so then he felt wanted and went to go home and had nobody to go to, so he found the beer bottle he drunk out of and started pissing in it so he wouldn't die and loved it. So then someone saw him in the bushes pissing in a beer bottle then drinking, so the person who saw him started recording and posted it on YouTube, and the boy became famous, so now he can feel like he was wanted in life after daddy went to go get the milk, then the little boy became really rich.
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”
What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?
They both have something hanging in their closet.
Since Christopher Reeves can't play Superman, they got a new person: Christopher Walken.