Performance jokes
How do you become with NATO? Promise no more world wars by secretly performing military practices behind their back.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"
My departed uncle was a circus clown before he died.
So all his friends came in one car.
Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.
What do you do if you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.
My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.
In my house, good sex sounds like seals slapping each other.
A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of three. He said, "Uno, dos," and disappeared without a tres!
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
Person 1: Hey, did you hear about the circus fire?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: It was in-tents.
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
Number 1 ventriloquist dies at age 76, will be mist.
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? He thought they were a delivery service.
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof! He disappears without a tres.
Louis' IQ is like his running; always two points below average.
Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.
Me: But you are not standing:)