Performance jokes

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof! He disappears without a tres.

Louis' IQ is like his running; always two points below average.

Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.

Me: But you are not standing:)

Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.

A drum rolled down a hill. Ba-dum-tsssh!

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador.

My music teacher was investigated, but she was the one that taught me my fingerings.

Yo mama's so ugly, and her voice is so loud that The X Factor doesn't want or need her to show up to the performances when she sings.

You know chords, right? Well, you know what I love to do? To play with A-minor. You know, feel your fingers on A-minor. Gives you a sense of power, to just F A-minor.

But that's not my favorite thing to fiddle with. That would be the D of minors. It's just solid, you know. If you're clever you can have the D of minors into the C of minors. Or, though a bit tricky, the D of minors into the B of minors.

And at this point you've gotten the point and if I want to continue it would be a bit of a stretch.

Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.