Performance jokes
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..." The room was full of arm amputees.
Why are Mexicans so bad in the Olympics?
Because all the ones that can run, jump, and swim live in America.
What did the comedian say when he walked into a bank?
"This is a stand-up."
Person 1: Hey, did you hear about the circus fire?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: It was in-tents.
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
Number 1 ventriloquist dies at age 76, will be mist.
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? He thought they were a delivery service.
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof! He disappears without a tres.
Louis' IQ is like his running; always two points below average.
Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.
Me: But you are not standing:)
Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.
A drum rolled down a hill. Ba-dum-tsssh!
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador.
My music teacher was investigated, but she was the one that taught me my fingerings.
Yo mama's so ugly, and her voice is so loud that The X Factor doesn't want or need her to show up to the performances when she sings.
You know chords, right? Well, you know what I love to do? To play with A-minor. You know, feel your fingers on A-minor. Gives you a sense of power, to just F A-minor.
But that's not my favorite thing to fiddle with. That would be the D of minors. It's just solid, you know. If you're clever you can have the D of minors into the C of minors. Or, though a bit tricky, the D of minors into the B of minors.
And at this point you've gotten the point and if I want to continue it would be a bit of a stretch.
Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.