Performance jokes
Do you know how I lost my music teacher job?
I tried to hit G by putting D.
Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?
Because he couldn't do standup.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
Did you hear about the gay choirboy?
He choked on his first hymn.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboard?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
Why don't gay Greek men in Greece perform anilingus on each other?
Because anilingus between two gay men is against the law in Greece.
Watching porn.
Watching porn blow my dick like a basset horn.
What happens when the music note starts to misbehave?
Then he gets into treble!
Why do heterosexual men and women that are married in France only perform anilingus on each other in their bedrooms?
Anal sex and oral sex is against the law in France.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.
My aunt worked as a human cannonball.
I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.
Why are heterosexual women jealous of gay men?
because gay men can perform fellatio on men better than they can.
What do you call a heterosexual man performing fellatio on another heterosexual man?
Bisexual.
What is the difference between a man performing anilingus on a woman and a man performing cunnilingus on a woman?
If a man is performing anilingus on a woman, it is not classified as heterosexual sodomy, you fucking idiot!!!!!
Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.
Ally before the other girl goes on stage: Break a leg!
Rachel: Alright!
On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg.
Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!
Why did the dog join the marching band?
Because he had his trum-bone.
Whenever the hungry cannibal performs amputations, he says,
"Thank you for your donation!"
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."